by Carl Miller

Let’s talk about abortion.

Maybe not. Let’s talk about . . . spontaneous orgasms.

Do you realize that if men could have spontaneous orgasms the entire complexion of male/female interaction would change?

I mean . . . My God.

My friend, Hal Lowe, and I were talking about this the other night on the way to the strip club, uh, I mean on our way to . . . an all-night Bible study at church.

Hal was talking about wet dreams. He’s had a couple and they’re like holy mysteries to him. I’ve never actually had one. Oh, I’ve had sex dreams. I’ve had plenty of sex dreams. But I’ve never woke up in the morning and had to clean my sheets. Not that I haven’t cleaned my sheets. Oh, I’ve cleaned my sheets plenty of times.

“Do you realize that if we could tap into whatever it is in our brain that let’s us do that in our dreams,” Hal ranted, shaking like a wino in a frat house on Friday night. “That that would . . . change everything?”

You could be sitting in a bar surrounded by beautiful women and it just wouldn’t matter. You wouldn’t care. Women? Who needs ‘em? I can spontaneously orgasm. Watch this . . .

Men wouldn’t have to worry about what kind of car they drove or how big their penis happened to be. It just wouldn’t be an issue. Granted, those things are usually more of an issue to the men then they are to the women but I think you get my drift. Men, all men, would have the same level of confidence that men with cool cars and/or large peni have always been blessed with. The kind of confidence that attracts women.

But the beauty of it would be that the tables would be completely turned. In the world of the SPONTANEOUS ORGASM!!!!! men wouldn’t need women. Instead of vice-versa, which is the way it is in the real world.

Women would be coming up to us in bars.

“Hey, uh, can I buy you a drink, uh, or, uhm, something. Heh.”

And you, the man, could just look at her and make that scoffing sound.

“Pfft (close proximity to the scoffing sound). Nah. I don’t need you. I can spontaneously orgasm. Watch this . . .”

Of course, if you could spontaneously orgasm then what the hell what you be doing in a bar?

But wherever you met a woman the traditional things which matter now would no longer be of any significance in the world of the SPONTANEOUS ORGASM!!!!!

“So,” she might say to you at the . . . all-night Bible study at church.

“What do you do for a living?”

“I’m a rivet fiddler,” you might say if, for instance, you happened to

fiddle rivets.

“Really,” she might respond if, for some mysterious reason, she continued talking to you. “Much money in that?”

“Nope. Not a dime.”


“I had to go through the cushions at my neighbor’s house to scrounge up the change to buy this beer.”

“But this is an all-night Bible study at church,” she might say if she’d been paying attention.

“Really,” you might respond if you suddenly realized you’d forgotten that you quit going to bars since you can now spontaneously orgasm.

“Well, I’ll be damned. So it is. So it is.”